Black Humour

November 13, 2008 at 10:23 pm 5 comments

[Audio] Wacky Cashew – Black Humour Diary Entry

Diary Entry

November 1, 2000

Feeling a sense of sadness… I begin to wonder whether it was from my misery, or whether it’s becoming such a familiar feeling these days that it’s just a part of me now… A dull ache is still residing in my heart as I contemplate what’s happened. How do I begin to describe this… this relationship that we’ve had? When I reflect upon what you’ve said, I don’t know whe-whether I should be depressed or amused. Maybe I’ve already passed the threshold of pain and all I’m feeling now is just numbness.

Let’s see… What did you say again? Oh right… You said that being with me was really rough on you ‘cause you felt that it was a bit strenuous. The ambivalence you felt often caused you to ponder whether or not to break off this relationship. I can’t help but think to myself… If such forced unhappiness were accompanying you all this time, why didn’t you mention it earlier? Why did you let things carry on for so long? Why didn’t you just tell me the truth about how you felt so that I would understand why you would wanna end what we have? If you really wanted to leave so badly, why did you hesitate so much? I just don’t get it…

*sigh* Maybe I’m just thinking too much… I really shouldn’t do that so often. *dry laugh* And plus, it’s always the guy’s fault one way or another, right? So, it’s gotta be me. I’m the one who heard things wrong and made all the wrong moves and misunderstood you and wasn’t sensitive enough and… *sigh* Well, the list probably goes on and on as far as you’re concerned. I just wish that you had told me earlier this is how you felt, you know… I did the best I could to take care of you and bring you happiness. So, I really wonder what caused you to start thinking all these thoughts… Or had it been like this all along and I was merely too blind to notice? Maybe your mind was clouded by what other people said about me… about us. Sometimes it just really hurts when you seem to trust others more than me. I’m your boyfriend, aren’t I? Or at least I was. *sigh*

That day when we met at the coffee shop, I already knew what was coming. I had a gut feeling that something was gonna happen that day… something not so pleasant. But being a guy, I tried to act tough and pretended to be nonchalant about the whole thing. Call it male pride, if you will. But it was just how I cover up my feelings… my pain… If I had dwelled on the issue too much at that moment, I’m afraid my emotions would overtake me, and it sure wouldn’t be a pretty sight if tears started to well up in my eyes. I honestly think that I might not have been able to hold those tears back…

Looking back, I wonder if all this is just a big joke to you… You sure got me confused. One moment you seemed so close to me; the next, you seemed so distant… Just when I thought that I’ve thought things through and figured things out, you would say something which cluttered my mind all over again. If this is all a joke to you, I sure don’t get your black humour. And even though you seemed to have taken your time with your decision about splitting up and I was beginning to see the signs, I didn’t wanna mention anything. I was dreading what was to come… But I didn’t wanna face it just yet. So, I just kinda denied everything and casually shrugged off those feelings. *sigh* Maybe that wasn’t the best way to deal with it.

Well, I guess this draws another chapter of my life to a close. I just want you to know that I gave my all when I was in this relationship. I was sincere and laid my heart bare to you. And now that this has ended… I just feel a sense of defeat. I guess I just don’t know you as well as I thought I did. Anyway, I hope you’ll find your prince one day. Surely, he would be able to understand your sense of humour better than I can.


Entry filed under: Diary Entries (Jay Chou songs), Prose. Tags: , , , , , .

Dong Bang Shin Ki – Mideoyo (Believe) [English Version] Simple Love

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. sanjay basak  |  November 14, 2008 at 4:08 am

    touching !!!

  • 2. wackycashew  |  November 18, 2008 at 7:05 pm

    thanks for reading!!!

  • 3. ALEXANDR PODGORNYY  |  November 19, 2008 at 1:22 am

    I REED TO…

  • 4. ALEXANDR PODGORNYY  |  November 19, 2008 at 1:25 am

    I mean – read to

  • 5. wackycashew  |  November 21, 2008 at 10:21 pm

    ^ that’s awesome! thanks for taking the time. =)


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