Maple

November 13, 2008 at 10:41 pm Leave a comment

[Audio] Wacky Cashew – Maple Diary Entry

Diary Entry

November 1, 2005

It was a cold and gloomy autumn evening…  As dusk settled in, one could vaguely see hues of orange and crimson peeking through the clouds.  Walking briskly towards home, I felt as if the dark clouds above have cast a never-ending shadow over my heart and yours as well.  Lately, with autumn settling in, I’ve felt not quite myself.  Perhaps this is because of the unspoken sorrow that seemed to have lingered between us even after all this time.  I know that losing a loved one is never easy, especially when it’s because of a terminal illness.  You’ve felt so hurt and angry, frustrated and helpless, and so much more…  Even though a year has passed, the numbness has not completely faded away because the wound has not been—and may never be—fully healed.

I just want you to know that if you are willing, then I am ready to listen with my whole heart to all these feelings that have been buried within you for the past while as you’ve been struggling to stay strong for the rest of your family, and at the same time, move on.  I want you to share with me these thoughts that you have hidden so that I can shoulder the burden with you.  I want to be your strength now and always.  Can you understand that?

Arriving at my doorstep, something compelled me not to go inside immediately.  I gently brushed aside the yellow and orange leaves that have descended from the neighbouring trees and took a seat on the steps.  In the serene stillness, things slowly became clearer in my mind.  My eyes searched the beautiful landscape before me and it was then that I realized one’s memories and feelings are deeply intertwined…  All the emotions you feel at a given moment are captured by your memory, and whenever you revisit that experience, the feelings will surface once more—oftentimes just as clearly as you first encountered those emotions, especially if it was a memorable incident that has left a deep impression on you.

Letting my mind drift back to what you have been experiencing for the past year, I cannot help but wonder if a heart that’s been as thoroughly wounded as yours can still continue loving me as before…  I know your answer is “no” already, but there was still a glimmer of hope within me for a second chance.  The last time I reached for your gentle hands, there was no warmth…  I knew it was not because of the cold weather.  Flashbacks of the moments that we have shared and the paths we have trod together unwound in my mind.  Sadly, the tenderness once felt has already been locked by time and now all that is left is endless sorrow. *sigh*

A gust of wind caused the leaves to swirl around my feet.  I guess that was my cue to head inside.  As I ascended the stairs to my room and sat down at my desk to write this entry, a sense of longing gradually crept over me.  I glanced out the window with pen tip in mouth, thinking wistfully to myself as I watched the maple leaves cascading through the dimly lit sky.  Just as every leaf longs to find its home, whether it be a rooftop, a step, a patch of snow, my heart also longs to find its home.  Another band of leaves dashed by and I thought to myself how similar we were.  If love is a falling leaf, what would my fate be?

Images of you fluttered in my heart and yet my mind has blurred your familiar face…  Overcome with shivers all of a sudden, I lit a candle, casting a large shadow on my wall.  And once again, my heart aches with the dark shadow that has enveloped me.  I wonder if all that I do now is futile and if it’s all too late.  Will there be any chance of things changing before winter finally arrives?  I thought you knew that my love for you transcends time.  But when I saw the two streams of tears sliding down your cheeks, it made me feel that nothing I do will ever be enough.  Even if my love completely permeates the surface of the earth, I cannot bring back the love you have lost.  I felt dejected, and yet a little voice inside me whispered…  I only want you to stay at my side.  Is that too much to ask?

Outside, the maple leaves have now been joined by the snowflakes as they scattered freely in unison to the north wind before resting on the ground.  I felt sad that no matter what I do, I will never be able to awaken this abandoned love that is left between the two of us.  I stood up and walked over to the window, giving the wind chimes you had left me one final sway.  *sigh*  I wonder what would happen now.  I guess when the maple leaves outside forms into ice, that is when I know my heart will finally be able to be at rest.

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Entry filed under: Diary Entries (Jay Chou songs), Prose. Tags: , , , , , .

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