Silence

November 13, 2008 at 10:29 pm Leave a comment

[Audio] Wacky Cashew – Silence Diary Entry

Diary Entry

September 20, 2001

Here…  as I sit in the corner of my room, trying to take in all that’s happened this past week…  silence settles in and resonates with an overwhelming loudness.  I glanced over at the piano, which looks cold and desolate now.  And the cello that’s perched beside it, sitting in stillness.  They’ve always been my companions.  And I’ve especially needed them lately as I try to cope with this heartbreak…  Sometimes when you wanna deal with something, you just wanna be by yourself, you know…  So, instruments can really be loyal friends and confidants.

*sigh*   To be honest, I don’t even know what really happened.  I thought the relationship was going OK.  Maybe I was just too stupid to pick up all the subtle hints.  That day when you said that you wanted to break up… I was… I just felt a wave of nausea coming over me.  I simply thought, “This couldn’t be happening to me…  It must be some horrible nightmare that I’m in…”  *sigh*  Well, you sure made things crystal clear to me that day.  And now I can say that I perfectly understand where you were coming from.  A part of me wonder…  How much did you treasure this relationship?  When you said good-bye, you didn’t sound regretful at all…  I felt hurt by that.  But while still trying to make sense of what was happening, I was just at a loss for words.

You said that you’ll be sad about this break-up.  *cold laugh*  How am I supposed to believe that?  Memories of holding your hand and spending time with you filled my mind…  But all this is in the past now… *sigh*  I just really hope that she does love you more than I do.  If forcing myself to leave is what I must do…  for your sake, I’ll do it.  But I hope you know that this is so hard for me…  The thought of breaking up never crossed my mind…  I thought you were “the one”…  So, I never imagined that we would go our separate ways.

And even now, I still wish that our relationship hadn’t come to an end.  I never wanted to end what we had together…  And now I must wear a smile as I try to get through this?  *dry laugh*  How do you expect me to do this?  To forgive you and also accept her…  I…  I just can’t…  Not just yet at least…  I need some time…  But you don’t have to worry about me so much…  I’ll be fine…  I’ll manage somehow…  *sigh*

I just know that I will never be able to forget that scene…  Watching you walk away…  farther and farther away…  until I couldn’t see you anymore…  And then I turned and slowly walked back home…  The sky darkened, the wind picked up, and raindrops started to fall…  As I walked through the drizzling rain, it was…  as if the sky has taken over my heart…  The tears that lie within, yet to be shed, was coming down in drops from above…  I stood still for a moment and tilted my head to the sky as I closed my eyes…  For a brief second, it almost felt comforting knowing that someone…  something…  understood how I felt.

*sigh*  Here I am…  still sitting in the corner of my room…  pondering where things had gone wrong…  Was it something I did?  Something I didn’t do?  Am I just not good enough for you?  What is it that she’s got that I don’t already have?  No matter how busy I was, I always tried to accommodate you as best as I could.  You were never ever second place…  But now I also have to accommodate you for this break-up?  *cold laugh*  I just don’t think I can do it…  I’m not that smart…  *sigh*  I don’t know how much longer will I keep on feeling this way…  I just want a sense of peace in my heart…  But this happened so suddenly…  How can my heart be silent at this time?  I’ve often heard that time will heal the heart.  I guess I’m really gonna have to experience this for myself…  I hope that you’re happy now, and that she’ll take good care of you.  Slowly…  in time…  I will learn to let you go…  ’cause that’s just how much…  how much I love you.

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Entry filed under: Diary Entries (Jay Chou songs), Prose. Tags: , , , , , .

Simple Love Can’t Speak

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