The Most Fly

by Lisa Tang
2010-03-16

A slight scent catches my attention and my eyes are drawn to you. A quick glance tells me that you are the one that I have been dreaming of all along. As you walk on, my eyes trail after your crimson red dress. Never before have I believed in love at first sight. But now, I can’t deny the feelings of my heart. I inch forward a couple of steps but feel dizzy all of a sudden. I can’t see anything. And I can’t hear anything either. What’s going on? This is so weird… I wobble slightly, somehow feeling weak. I try to grab a hold of something but only feel myself flailing. What should I do? What should I do?

I sturdy myself and shake my head a few times. My eyes search for you in the crowd, but you have already dashed out of sight. Flashes of you appear in my head… I can’t help but just think of you because you are all that fills my mind… I know that you have to be the one. Though it feels as if it can’t be true, I know that you’re the one. You must be the one.

From then on, I start to hang out in the same area, hoping for the chance to see you again. My longing for you drives me so crazy and makes me so possessive. I only want you for myself. I don’t understand why I’m becoming this way. All I can think of is you… In my head, it’s only you… Though I feel jaded by these thoughts of you, I can’t bring myself to stop. For some reason, you’re breathing in my heart and in my heart is where you reside. With every beat of my heart, I sense you within.

Days pass and one late afternoon, I finally spot you walking in the distance towards the same spot that I had initially seen you. Dressed in a chic turquoise jacket with a black crop top, I find myself mesmerized by you. The sheer sight of you halts me in my steps and puts me in a trance. I notice the countless guys that are surrounding you and giving me the evil eye. Instead of darting away, I meet their cold gaze without flinching. Frankly, I want to show them that they ain’t got no chance with you. Why? Because you’re mine. So, I boldly state, “Y’all listen up! Starting today, she’s my girl. So, y’all better step aside.”

Surprised, you smile and saunter towards me. “So, you’re my man, eh?”

In one swift motion, I pull you close to me and whisper in your ear, “You’d bet.”

You draw back your tresses and give me a once-over. Decked out in leather and a white tee, I have no doubt that I’m the most fly guy out of the lot who was hanging around you. My fate with you is sealed and I can finally put the turmoil in my head to rest.

*Inspired by In My Head – the song lyrics & music video

Curious George

Curious George

by Lisa Tang
2008-05
* Written as part of a proofreading exercise that I gave to one of the students that I tutor =P (The original contained spelling errors that he had to spot ^^)

A very strange thing happened to George on his way to school.  Since he was running late, he decided to take a shortcut.  Instead of his daily route of walking along the sidewalks of the main streets, he opted to take a back road.  After jogging for several minutes, he heard a weird noise behind him.  He stopped and turned around, but saw nothing out of the ordinary.  So, he shrugged and continued along the path, checking his watch to see how much longer he had before the school bell signaled for first period.

“Ten more minutes,” George muttered to himself out loud.  “I can still make it if I hurry.”

Quickening his pace, George sped to the fence that surrounded a large grassy field, which was the only thing that separated him from the school parking lot.  He scaled the fence with ease and started to sprint across the field.  Step by step, he was getting closer and closer to his destination.  Seeing that he had five minutes to spare, he stopped by an oak tree to catch his breath before he made the final dash.  It was then that he heard the strange noise again.  Startled, George looked up and found himself face to face with a giant banana.  It was unlike anything that he had seen or eaten before in his life.  Mesmerized by this unprecedented sight, George wondered whether he was hallucinating because he was starting to feel the fatigue from having raced from home to here without any rest.  Blinking his eyes a couple of times and even pinching his cheek thrice, the image did not disappear; instead, the giant banana towered over him with a menacing grimace on its face.

“You thought you could just take the shortcut and get to school on time, eh?  Well, think again, kid.  I’m going to teach you a lesson you’ll never forget.  And here you’ve thought all along how easy it was to pluck bananas from trees to your heart’s content simply to satisfy your hunger for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  Ha!”

Gazing at the giant banana in horror, George was frozen in his tracks.  Never before had he thought that it’d be a crime to eat bananas three times a day, sometimes more.  It was considered a staple for a monkey.  Of course, bananas were not all that he ate.  On occasion, he would treat himself to some peanuts for a snack, and if he got lucky, maybe he would be able to splurge on some cashews.

“Yo, lil’ monkey boy!  Hellooooo!!” the giant banana shouted while waving his muscular yellow arms in front of George’s face.

Snapping back to reality, George realized that he had tuned out for a moment as various thoughts flooded his mind.  The giant banana was showing no sign of backing away anytime soon and the watch was reading 8:28am.  Only two more minutes to go and here he was standing under the luminous shadow of a humongous piece of yellow fruit.  Then, a sudden thought occurred to him.  What if he outsmarted the giant banana somehow?  Then, even if he was late, his teacher and classmates would definitely not be upset if he could bring this trophy to share.

Determined to fight the battle of his life in order to avoid the despair of having no more bananas to consume forever, George mustered up his courage and made a swift and precise leap onto the giant banana.  He scurried up its head and stomped on its nose while tickling its cheeks.  The giant banana, who was unbelievably ticklish, succumbed to George’s attacks as it unsuccessfully attempted to swipe him off its face.  But George was cautious to not let himself be tricked by the giant banana.  To ensure that he had truly won, he aimed straight for the stump on its head and started to tug with all his might.  Slowly, but steadily, George began to peel the giant banana.  The yellow fruit yelped in pain as it felt its back unraveling and tried vehemently to shake George off its head.  But all its efforts were to no avail as George bounced to its forehead and repeated the same peeling action.  Just one more side to go, George thought to himself.  He made a little hop, slid down the banana’s side one last time, and voilà!  The giant banana’s skin was now draping from its head like a flower that had just blossomed after being bathed in brilliant sunlight.  Proudly admiring his masterpiece, George knew that he had secured the grand prize.

With a smug smile on his face, George flipped the giant banana’s skin back into place and found a discarded rope nearby to tie it up.  Dragging it along through the remainder of field, George merrily whistled a tune, no longer afraid of being tardy to class today.  Bruised and beaten, the giant banana hung its head as it scraped along the withered grass.  George mused to himself how surprised and delighted his teacher and classmates will be upon seeing his captive and hearing about his triumphant victory.

杰倫歌曲傳奇 / The Jay Song Saga

杰倫歌曲傳奇
(本故事純屬虛構）

作者: Lisa Tang
2003-08-02
* 用了周杰倫45首歌來寫這個故事

很久很久以前在「上海1943」爆發了一場激裂的戰爭，那時候人們都懼怕「世界末日」就快來臨，說那是「最後的戰役」，幸好最後戰爭平息了，人們也可以再過著和平的生活，當然這個世界也沒有完旦。我當時還沒有出世，這一切都是聽爺爺說的，而小時候的我最愛聽舊時代的故事。爺爺喜歡一面喝茶、一面講故事，「爺爺泡的茶」真的別有味道，又香又濃，我一面喝著、一面「安靜」的聽故事，真是一種享受喔﹗而爺爺每段故事描述的情景都十分精彩，有時訴說他年幼時在家鄉幫忙耕一角「梯田」的經歷，有時就講他和鄰近的小孩玩的遊戲，讓我有「回到過去」的感覺。我從小就和爺爺、爸爸一塊兒住，因為奶奶早已過世，而爸爸媽媽在我七歲時就已經分開了，他倆分開的原因我也不太了解，只知道我小時候他們就常常吵架，媽還說爸是一個「懦夫」，最終離婚收場。

在我十二歲那年，爺爺回了天家，剩下了我和爸爸，爸提議我換換環境，叫我出外看看世面，增廣見聞。我從台灣到英國去留學，住的宿舍竟然是從一座舊古堡改造的，名叫「威廉古堡」，聽說這座古堡流傳了一段鬼故，可是是真是假，那就得由自己來判斷囉，畢竟悲劇的發生已經是很久很久以前的事。雖然我實現了到外國留學的夢想，可是我並不很開心，或許是因為我是一個「完美主義」者，性格又文靜，英文程度也不大好，所以跟我一起上課的同學往往和我合作起來都發生意見，就算我老是說「對不起」也沒用，最後跟他們的關係弄得很僵，這種「分裂」實在令我難受，就好像作了一場惡夢，帶給我一份「黑色幽默」。

暑假終於到了，我決定到處走走、散散心。首先我去了意大利的米蘭，在街邊逛著，聽說有一名出名的「米蘭的小鐵匠」，手藝精深，所以我就去參觀他的手藝。我到米蘭的時候，恰好是當地一年一度的巨型「鬥牛」比賽舉行時間，我也跟了一群人去看看、湊湊熱鬧。

然後我去了土耳其的「伊斯坦堡」，那兒有獨特的風味，風景也很優美，我拍了多張照片留念。據當地人說，那裡有一座「愛情懸崖」，背後還有一段浪漫的愛情故事，傳說古時有一對小戀人，因為遭到父母的反對，所以最後跳崖自盡，寧死也要在一起，怎料到後來卻化身為一對燕子，從崖底飛了上來，從此不分不離，過著自由自在的生活。

接著，我到了一個偏僻的印地安小鎮去，竟然目睹到著名的「印地安老斑鳩」，我只逗留了數天就離開了。最終還到了歐洲的其他幾個國家去玩。這次旅行天氣相當好，差不多每一天都是「晴天」，讓我玩得樂極了﹗然而兩個月過得真快，我也要回英國去繼續上學了。

既然假期完了，我也要再去面對與同學之間的問題。我對自己說要有一個新的開始，必須努力改善自己，學習與別人溝通和接納別人的意見，也要把英文操好。想不到不出幾個月，我的努力沒有白費，終於結交了幾位知心好友，功課方面也有進步，結果創下了「三年二班」的跳級佳績，老師和朋友們都為我開心。而我在英國四年的時間也很快過去了，在最後一個晚上，我和一班朋友到了宿舍的「屋頂」，一面談話回憶這幾年的趣事，一面欣賞風景。記得去年這時候，我們還幼稚的玩「火車叨位去」般的遊戲呢﹗現在望到天空一片「星晴」和美麗的景色，將來一定會懷念這個美好的時刻﹗

唸完了高中，我又回到了台灣，一回家我就大聲喊「爸，我回來了」﹗其實我已經好久沒有和爸見面了，雖然一直都有電話和短訊聯絡，可是又怎能跟見面相比呢﹖所以爸一看到我的時候，高興得「開不了口」，只把我緊緊的抱著，禁不住流淚。當他鬆開手再仔細的看我時，他對我說﹕「「你比從前快樂」，在英國一定經歷了不少風風雨雨，變得成熟、開朗了，唉﹗我的孩兒長大了﹗連說話也跟我「同一種調調」﹗「你聽得到」嗎﹖哈哈﹗聽說你在那邊的成績也不錯，老爸以你為榮喔﹗」說著說著，爸輕輕的拍拍我的頭，我只對著他傻笑，把我從英國帶回來「以父之名」雕刻的一個「半島鐵盒」紀念品送了給他。

或許因為我剛剛回來，我對這個仿似陌生的家還沒有習慣，所以第一夜睡覺時發了一個怪夢，我夢見有一個可怕的「半獸人」站在一座鐘樓上，要挾著一位「可愛女人」，強迫她做自己的「娘子」，還嚇恐她說如果她不就犯，就把「她的睫毛」剃下，讓她變成醜女人。我凝視著那座鐘樓，發現竟然掛著一面「反方向的鐘」﹖﹗不知道是真的還是幻像而已。突然，不知道從那裡飛來了一個「忍者」，耍著「雙截棍」對付那個半獸人，還說那位女子是與他「愛在西元前」失散多年的戀人，那個半獸人也不甘示弱，舞動著「雙刀」，向忍者進攻，美女見到思念已久的愛郎，想發「暗號」去呼喚援兵來幫他，可是卻早已被半獸人緊緊的綁在鐘樓上，正當勝負難分之時，有一陣「龍卷風」吹了過來，千萬隻「蝸牛」撲向那可惡的半獸人的臉部，忍者趁機以「龍拳」向半獸人攻擊，把他打得落花流水﹗最後還出了一招飛旋腿將他踢到老遠的「東風破」廟去，結果英雄當然贏得美人歸，忍者和美女再續從前的那份「簡單愛」。

不知不覺已經天亮了，鬧鐘響起，我從睡夢中醒了過來，覺得非常疲倦，還有一點疼痛，剛好這時聽到敲門聲，原來是爸叫我起床吃早餐，他把門打開，然後驚訝的對我說﹕「兒子，你怎麼一身忍者的打扮，還拿著雙截棍幹嘛啊﹖」

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ENGLISH TRANSLATION

The Jay Song Saga
(This story is completely fabricated)

by Lisa Tang
2003-08-08
* Used 45 Jay Chou songs to write this story

A long, long time ago, a raging war broke out in “Shanghai 1943”. Everybody was afraid that the “End of the World” was coming, saying that it would be “The Last Battle”. Fortunately, the war ended and people could go back to living peacefully. Of course, this world did not come to an end either. At that time, I wasn’t born yet. I heard all of this from Grandpa. When I was young, I loved to hear stories of the past. Grandpa liked to drink tea while recounting stories. “Grandfather’s Tea” certainly was special, full of fragrance and taste. As I drank the tea, I would “Silent”ly listen to his stories. It was quite a treat! Grandpa described each scenario with such vivid details. Sometimes he would talk about his childhood days in the village when he helped his family rake the “Rice Fields”. Other times he would talk about the games that he and other children played. This made me feel as if I had “Returned to the Past”. As a kid, I lived with Grandpa and my dad because Grandma had already passed away. My dad and mom split up when I was seven. I don’t quite understand the reason they separated. I only know that they argued a lot when I was young. Mom even called Dad a “Coward”. All of this resulted in a divorce.

When I turned twelve, Grandpa was taken back to heaven, leaving Dad and me behind. Dad suggested that I should have a change of scenery. He said that I should go out to see the world and broaden my horizons. So, I left Taiwan and went to England to study abroad. The dormitory I lived in was refurnished from an old castle named, “William Castle”. Legend has it that the castle is haunted. Whether it’s true or not, that’s up to you to decide. After all, the tragedy took place a long time ago. Even though I fulfilled my dream of studying abroad, I wasn’t really all that happy. Perhaps it’s because I’m a “Perfection”ist. On top of that, I’m quiet and my English level isn’t all that good. So I always got into disagreements with the classmates who worked with me. Even though I kept saying “Sorry”, it was no use. In the end, my relationship with them deteriorated beyond repair. This “Split” made me feel very bad. It was like a nightmare, giving me a sense of “Black Humour”.

Finally, it was summer holiday. I decided to travel a bit to clear my mind of these negative feelings. First I went to Milan. While strolling along the streets, I heard that there was a famous “Blacksmith of Milan” whose skill was excellent. So I went to take a look. Also, while I was there, it happened to be the annual “Bullfight” competition. I decided to follow the crowd to witness this spectacle and join in the fun.

After that, I went to “Istanbul”. The culture there was intriguing and the scenery was also quite beautiful. I took a lot of pictures for keepsake. According to the people, a “Love’s Cliff” was situated there. Behind this cliff was a romantic love story. The saga involved a young couple. Due to their parents’ objection to their love, they decided to commit suicide by jumping off this cliff. They’d rather die together than be separated. Little did they know that after their death, they would be reincarnated as a pair of swallows. They flew from the bottom of the cliff, never apart from each other again, as they enjoyed life freely.

Thereafter, I went to a faraway Indian village and actually saw the famous “Indian Old Bird” with my own eyes. I only stayed for a few days and then I left. I also traveled to several other countries in Europe. The weather for this trip was fantastic. Almost every day was a “Sunny Day”. I just had such a great time! However, the two months went by quickly and it was time for me to return to England and continue my schooling.

Now that the trip was over, I had to face my problems with my classmates again. I vowed to myself that I will start afresh. I needed to work hard to improve myself, learning how to communicate with others and being open to their ideas. I also needed to work on my English skills. To my surprise, I got better after a few months. My hard work paid off. I made a few close friends and my schoolwork also improved. I even made the record of skipping “2 Classes [in] 3 Years” (“Year 3 Class 2”). My teachers and friends were so happy for me. My four years in England flew by so fast. On the last evening together, my friends and I went to the dormitory’s “Rooftop”. We chatted about all the silly memories of these past few years and enjoyed the night scenery. I still remembered around this time last year we were still playing immature games like “Where is the Train Going”! Now as we look up at the “Starry Mood” sky and admire the beautiful scenery, I’m sure this moment will be fondly remembered in the future!

After completing high school, I went back to Taiwan. Upon coming home, I shouted “Dad, I am Back”! To tell you the truth, I haven’t seen my dad for the longest time. Even though we kept in touch by phone and e-mails, how can that compare with seeing each other face to face? So when Dad saw me, he was so excited that he “Couldn’t Open [his] Mouth” to speak. He embraced me tightly, tears running down his cheeks. When he finally let go of me, he took a closer look at me and said, ” “You Look Happier than Before”. While you were in England, you must have experienced some harsh times. Now you’re more mature and out-going. <sigh> My child’s all grown up! Even the way we speak is the “Same Kind of Tune”! “Can You Hear”? Haha! I heard that your grades over there were pretty good. Dad’s so proud of you!” As he spoke, Dad gently patted my head. I only looked at him with a silly grin on my face and gave him a “Half Island Iron Box” engraved “In the Name of the Father” that I brought back from England as a souvenir.

Maybe it’s because I’d just got back and haven’t adjusted to this seemingly strange home yet. So I had a weird dream the first night. I dreamt that I saw a hideous “Half Beast Man” standing at the top of a clock tower, holding an “Adorable Woman” hostage. He was forcing her to be his “Wife” and even threatened to snip off all “Her Eyelashes” if she didn’t comply. That way, she’ll turn into an ugly woman. As I looked at the clock tower, I noticed that a “Counterclockwise Clock” was hung there?! I didn’t know if it was real or imagined. Suddenly, out of nowhere appeared a “Ninja”.  He was using his “Nunchucks” to attack the Half Beast Man. He even said that the lovely lady was his long-lost lover from “Love Before the Century”. The Half Beast Man didn’t back down, but starting to wave around his “Double Blade” in retaliation. The beautiful girl finally saw the lover that she had been thinking about for so long. She wanted to send a “Secret Signal” to call for help, but she had already been tightly roped to the clock tower by the Half Beast Man. Just when the dueling was reaching a climax and it wasn’t certain which side would win, a “Tornado” struck. Thousands of “Snail”s flew towards the evil Half Beast Man’s face. Ninja seized this opportunity to attack him with his “Dragon Fist” and the Half Beast Man was totally defeated! Ninja even used his ‘Swirling Leg’ move to give him a swift kick to the “East Wind Broken (old)” Temple. In the end, the hero rescued the damsel in distress, and Ninja and the beautiful girl continued their “Simple Love” from the past.

The sun had risen and it was morning already. My alarm went off. I awoke from my dream, feeling exhausted and a bit painful. I heard a knock on the door. It was my dad coming to wake me up to have breakfast. He exclaimed in a shocked voice, “Son, why are you dressed as a ninja? And what are you doing holding those nunchucks?”