Posts filed under ‘Diary Entries (Jay Chou songs)’
All Diary Entries are not written on the date of the entry. I just chose those dates. ^^ The entries accompany the original songs written by Jay and are essentially stories woven out of the lyrics. 😄 I actually made audio recordings of the entries along with the music in the background. I will try to post the mp3s when I have a chance to upload them somewhere to share. =D Heehee…
EDIT: added the mp3s (2008-11-21)
November 1, 2005
It was a cold and gloomy autumn evening… As dusk settled in, one could vaguely see hues of orange and crimson peeking through the clouds. Walking briskly towards home, I felt as if the dark clouds above have cast a never-ending shadow over my heart and yours as well. Lately, with autumn settling in, I’ve felt not quite myself. Perhaps this is because of the unspoken sorrow that seemed to have lingered between us even after all this time. I know that losing a loved one is never easy, especially when it’s because of a terminal illness. You’ve felt so hurt and angry, frustrated and helpless, and so much more… Even though a year has passed, the numbness has not completely faded away because the wound has not been—and may never be—fully healed.
I just want you to know that if you are willing, then I am ready to listen with my whole heart to all these feelings that have been buried within you for the past while as you’ve been struggling to stay strong for the rest of your family, and at the same time, move on. I want you to share with me these thoughts that you have hidden so that I can shoulder the burden with you. I want to be your strength now and always. Can you understand that?
Arriving at my doorstep, something compelled me not to go inside immediately. I gently brushed aside the yellow and orange leaves that have descended from the neighbouring trees and took a seat on the steps. In the serene stillness, things slowly became clearer in my mind. My eyes searched the beautiful landscape before me and it was then that I realized one’s memories and feelings are deeply intertwined… All the emotions you feel at a given moment are captured by your memory, and whenever you revisit that experience, the feelings will surface once more—oftentimes just as clearly as you first encountered those emotions, especially if it was a memorable incident that has left a deep impression on you.
Letting my mind drift back to what you have been experiencing for the past year, I cannot help but wonder if a heart that’s been as thoroughly wounded as yours can still continue loving me as before… I know your answer is “no” already, but there was still a glimmer of hope within me for a second chance. The last time I reached for your gentle hands, there was no warmth… I knew it was not because of the cold weather. Flashbacks of the moments that we have shared and the paths we have trod together unwound in my mind. Sadly, the tenderness once felt has already been locked by time and now all that is left is endless sorrow. *sigh*
A gust of wind caused the leaves to swirl around my feet. I guess that was my cue to head inside. As I ascended the stairs to my room and sat down at my desk to write this entry, a sense of longing gradually crept over me. I glanced out the window with pen tip in mouth, thinking wistfully to myself as I watched the maple leaves cascading through the dimly lit sky. Just as every leaf longs to find its home, whether it be a rooftop, a step, a patch of snow, my heart also longs to find its home. Another band of leaves dashed by and I thought to myself how similar we were. If love is a falling leaf, what would my fate be?
Images of you fluttered in my heart and yet my mind has blurred your familiar face… Overcome with shivers all of a sudden, I lit a candle, casting a large shadow on my wall. And once again, my heart aches with the dark shadow that has enveloped me. I wonder if all that I do now is futile and if it’s all too late. Will there be any chance of things changing before winter finally arrives? I thought you knew that my love for you transcends time. But when I saw the two streams of tears sliding down your cheeks, it made me feel that nothing I do will ever be enough. Even if my love completely permeates the surface of the earth, I cannot bring back the love you have lost. I felt dejected, and yet a little voice inside me whispered… I only want you to stay at my side. Is that too much to ask?
Outside, the maple leaves have now been joined by the snowflakes as they scattered freely in unison to the north wind before resting on the ground. I felt sad that no matter what I do, I will never be able to awaken this abandoned love that is left between the two of us. I stood up and walked over to the window, giving the wind chimes you had left me one final sway. *sigh* I wonder what would happen now. I guess when the maple leaves outside forms into ice, that is when I know my heart will finally be able to be at rest.
November 11, 2003
Remembrance Day. The clock strikes the eleventh hour. This symbolic day has held a deeper meaning for me ever since last year. One of a more personal nature. Actually, I can hardly fathom that it’s been a year already. After what happened, I just seemed to have lost track of time. It almost felt like it had just happened yesterday.
I think back to the times when we would be at the docks, just listening to the waves of the sea as we sat in stillness. Such a serene silence that hovered over us, and yet, we knew what the other person was thinking about. But this place hasn’t been the same ever since all those fond memories were met with a piercing pain last year on this very day. You wanted us to take a break. As for how permanent the break was going to be, you weren’t sure. You just felt that things were not what you expected them to be and being on our own again was the best solution. I didn’t know what to say. You embraced me one last time and said good-bye. Then you turned around and walked off. I stood there, feeling a sense of abandonment.
Tonight, I went back to the docks again. I haven’t been back for a year now. As I thought quietly to myself, I could hear the waves whispering in the background. This is the place where I’d lost you. For some reason, those feelings of hurt and sadness resurfaced. I guess I’ve been keeping these feelings hidden for too long though I’m not sure how I’ve managed to do that. As I stood there, I thought I sensed a lingering fragrance of your hair. But it scattered so quickly that perhaps I was just reminiscing about the past too much.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. *deep breath* A vision of you leaving that day drifted to mind. I opened my eyes and gazed at the waters dancing together in rhythm under the moonlight. I tried to search for traces of you, but not even your silhouette was in sight. It was then that a quote I read recently came to mind…
“If breaking up can be said to be the starting point of pain, then before the final destination point, I’m willing to love once again.”
That just really spoke to me ’cause that was exactly how I felt. I want to love once again. I know that I didn’t have the courage to tell you how much I loved you and express all that was on my heart. Believe me, I wanted to. I guess I just thought that actions would speak louder than words. But I was wrong. All girls need to hear those three words from their boyfriend at some point. It’s an affirmation for them. I guess I just didn’t catch on soon enough. *sigh* After losing you, I knew that we wouldn’t be back together again. So deep inside, I’ve been yearning for another relationship. I still believe that there is someone for me out there. Someone that God has handpicked for me. But in the meantime, I need to forget about you first.
I sat down and just stared off into space. The fact that it’s been a year already came to mind again. Even the waves were beckoning me and chanting in a hushed chorus that it was time for me to move on. But you have left deep tracks in my heart and I couldn’t help but think of your tender face once more. Before I forget about you, I wanna cherish our happiest memories together in the corner of my heart. A year ago, at this very place, tears were falling in my heart and my vision was blurred by overwhelming emotions. A year later, at this place again, I believe I have gained some sort of closure as my wound is being healed. As thoughts of knowing that someday, someone will take your place beside me and that thoughts of you won’t surround me anymore, I felt as if a door in my heart has been unlocked, and broke into a smile. *smile* I know I’m in Good Hands. A sense of peace settled in. Finally, I can put this behind me.
July 31, 2003
Feeling a little confused today, I decided to take a walk in the park to clear my mind a bit. The words that you spoke yesterday came drifting back to me…
“You’re just like a kid! Always playing these guessing games with me… Humph!”
Hmmm… Am I really? At that time I didn’t know how to reply and just retorted that you’re the one who’s so childish, always asking me to spell things out for you… As soon as those words left my lips, I felt a sense of regret in my heart. And now we’re giving each other the silent treatment. *sigh* Why is it always like this? To tell you the truth, I’m starting to get a little tired. Thinking back to how we started, everything was so perfect. And now… I’m so clueless about what’s going on. I guess some things just happened too fast and maybe that’s why I feel so lost right now.
I took a seat on a park bench nearby and tried to shake off the uneasy feeling. But an overwhelming sense of bewilderment made its way from my heart to the surface. It’s too late this time. There’s no turning back. Maybe we should have waited till we had gotten to know each other better before we started going out. Now that I think about it, neither of us was ready for a relationship back then, and yet, we just got together… I wonder how different it would be now had we just remained friends and nothing more…
I know I probably shouldn’t be thinking this way… But our love… Had it been extinguished before it even really started? What is true love anyway? Sometimes I wished that things were more natural between us… Not quite so forced or awkward… I really don’t understand why, but sometimes I feel like I’m just talking to a complete stranger. Have I really changed all that much? Or could it be you who’s changed? Every time that we can’t seem to get through to each other, you just give up so easily. Like yesterday… You just walked off after you said that. I just don’t understand how you can bring yourself to toss such hurtful words at me time and again…
“I don’t love you anymore… Let’s just end this once and for all!”
When I first heard those words, I felt like I’ve just been punched in the stomach. But after several times of hearing them, I feel like those words just don’t mean that much anymore… The only difference is that, this time, I think you really do mean them. Feeling hopeless, I shifted on the park bench and gazed up at the cloudy sky. I’d thought that whatever obstacles we’ve overcome would only make our relationship stronger. But I was wrong. It just made things more and more difficult for us, to the point where I felt like we can’t even communicate anymore. I was saddened by this and didn’t know what to do. I still don’t know what to do…
Have you had this feeling before? You know… You feel like you’ve been pushed so far that it’s as if you’ve fallen off a cliff… At this moment, I just feel like I’m falling deeper and deeper as time goes by and I can’t climb out. Not only that, but I also feel like I’m plummeting faster and faster and I can’t stop! Time seems to be running backwards and the future is beyond my grasp. Your love just comes and goes all the time. I feel tugged in both directions and everything is a blur. I’m having a hard time even breathing because the rhythm of my breath keeps getting disrupted. How am I to escape from all this? I just can’t seem to control it… When thoughts of the way you once were came to mind, all I could think about is how cute and sweet you were. Those big brown eyes… So innocent. And right now, a part of me is still unwilling to let go. I’m still foolishly waiting here, thinking that you’d return someday. But after a while, your face faded away bit by bit and I felt like I’m sinking deeper and deeper into the quicksand of time. Everything is disappearing so quickly as I’m being buried… And there was nothing that I can do because I just don’t have the strength to withstand it anymore. My mind has grown weary and I don’t know what to think. Will I ever be able to put an end to all this? Or will I just keep on slipping farther and farther? *sigh*
“I thought you would come back… What happened?”
July 19, 2002
Today’s been an interesting day. I feel a tinge of joy and sadness. Being with you has been the happiest thing that has ever happened to me. Whatever I want, whatever I want to do, you know better than anyone else. And the things that you wanna say, the things that you wanna give, I know them all as well. Oftentimes, just a simple gaze, a smile, a nod, and immediately we would know what the other is trying to say. Knowing all this makes me feel warm inside. But today, I have yet to hear from you. I wonder why you haven’t picked up my calls or left any messages on my cell. Are thoughts of loneliness drifting in your mind again? Well, whatever is going on, I just know that no one else can guess that this is our secret signal. Our own language that we have come up with after being together for so long. It’s actually funny at times how other people try to guess, whether on purpose or at random, what we’re trying to communicate to each other. They always get it wrong. *laugh* But I guess that’s not really important.
When we have connected with each other and gotten the right signal, that’s when we know that we can count on each other always because you can lean on me and I can rely on you. But at times, there are just too many people and too many things that get in our way. The noise is just so deafening that the signals we try to get across to each other get distorted and become weak. Even the wind wants to be a part of this game and disturb the connection that we have. That’s when things get frustrating and I start to feel a little lost.
I recall the last time that we sat on the park bench and just had a heart-to-heart talk about everything. You don’t want to continuously keep our relationship a secret. Neither do I. Believe me. But that’s what we must do for now. I don’t like sneaking around with you either because I know that there is nothing wrong with you loving me and me loving you. But at the same time, you also know that if your parents find out, our relationship will be over. Your parents have always disliked me. They probably think that I’m not good enough for you. I know my family isn’t quite as rich as yours, but I’ve given you my promise. Please don’t let this come between us now. Not after all this time and what we’ve been through… I really want to do all those things we talked about… enjoying ourselves, being free, just being together with my hand clasped around yours, watching the waves of the ocean, traveling around the world… I remember, and I really plan to carry those things out.
Right now I’m just worried about what would happen if I were not by your side. I’m afraid that you would suppress your feelings and feel that you have no one to turn to because no one would understand. I’m afraid that when you’re feeling heart-broken, there won’t be anyone there to help you wipe away those tears. Please don’t let what the others say burden your heart with these extra thoughts. As long as we feel right, that’s what matters most. Right? We belong together. Please don’t leave me… Only with you in my world would it be perfect.
I know that there were times when you thought this was all too much for you to handle. You just wanted to escape from this and just let go of what we have. You never thought loving me would be this hard, this tiring, this restrictive. I know that my simple promise to love you and make you feel safe seems unfulfilled right now. But please… Just trust me. Don’t put an end to what we have. You know deep inside that our hearts have connected. Don’t try to block this. If you’ve stopped receiving what I’m trying to communicate to you, then how can I continue to know what you’re thinking? You know it’s gotta be two-way. What we have is too precious to give up. I need you because… I love you. But what should I do right now to convince you to stay? Does anybody know? *sigh* Where have you gone? Where are you right now? Why aren’t you answering my calls or getting my messages? I really hope to hear from you soon. But I can’t help but feel that our secret signal is already beginning to fade…
May 2, 2002
Another dreary day in Taiwan. An emptiness has crept into my heart. The plane is just about to take off… You’re flying back to Canada again. Except this time, you’re not coming back… This time, it really is the final farewell. Just a moment ago, I gave you a hug and wished you all the best, promising to keep in touch. You asked me to come visit sometime. I quietly nodded and tried to force a smile. Then, it was time for you to go. We embraced once more and sadly bid each other good-bye. Before you stepped through the sliding doors, you turned around and waved one last time. I waved back.
And now, I’m gazing up at the sky. The plane has just taken off. As I watched it climbing steadily, it felt as if a part of me has taken flight with it. The plane soon became a speck in the sky, and the clouds, like shutters to a window, moved back into place. I began my journey home…
For the rest of the day, I just didn’t feel like doing anything. So, I just lied down on my bed. I looked up at the ceiling, but all I saw was you. Even though you had just left, it already felt like you’ve been gone for so long… I can’t help but wonder how you are at this very moment. Are you enjoying your flight? Are you excited about going home? To see your family? To see him? Are you thinking about me the slightest bit? *sigh* I decided to just sleep on it, so I closed my eyes. But try as I may, I just can’t fall asleep. My mind is filled with images of your face. You look especially cute when you pout. *smile* Did you know that? And wherever you go, there’s this fragrance that lingers behind. You leave no place and no one untouched.
I wish that I had told you… my happiness is YOU. Whenever I think about you, I can’t help but smile. You just radiate joy and I love every minute that I spend with you. But now, you’re gone… I feel so lost… so helpless… It’s like… when you’re not here, I… I just lose my mind. I get devoured by this darkness. Argh! Why didn’t I say something earlier? I tried so hard to express exactly how I felt. But it was to no avail. Just when I was about to tell you what was on my heart, I discovered that you already have someone else in your life. I was one step too late. You belong in his arms now… and no one else’s.
I don’t know why I couldn’t bring myself to tell you. The truth is… I so wanna protect you, and make you laugh, and be your shoulder to cry on, and just love you with all that I have… forever and ever. You mean so much to me! Why didn’t I tell you?! And now I have to face this regret for the rest of my life. Do you even know just how much I care? *sigh* Well, I guess that’s not important now. You’ve finally found someone. And he seems to love you just as much. Why couldn’t I just say those three simple words? I… love… you. I… love… YOU. I love you! *sigh* Somehow, those three words just couldn’t come out. And now… It’s already too late for me to show you my love for you. My heart is just hanging, with no place to rest. And all I can do… is think of you from afar, and be your friend always… ’cause that special someone in your life… is not me.
September 20, 2001
Here… as I sit in the corner of my room, trying to take in all that’s happened this past week… silence settles in and resonates with an overwhelming loudness. I glanced over at the piano, which looks cold and desolate now. And the cello that’s perched beside it, sitting in stillness. They’ve always been my companions. And I’ve especially needed them lately as I try to cope with this heartbreak… Sometimes when you wanna deal with something, you just wanna be by yourself, you know… So, instruments can really be loyal friends and confidants.
*sigh* To be honest, I don’t even know what really happened. I thought the relationship was going OK. Maybe I was just too stupid to pick up all the subtle hints. That day when you said that you wanted to break up… I was… I just felt a wave of nausea coming over me. I simply thought, “This couldn’t be happening to me… It must be some horrible nightmare that I’m in…” *sigh* Well, you sure made things crystal clear to me that day. And now I can say that I perfectly understand where you were coming from. A part of me wonder… How much did you treasure this relationship? When you said good-bye, you didn’t sound regretful at all… I felt hurt by that. But while still trying to make sense of what was happening, I was just at a loss for words.
You said that you’ll be sad about this break-up. *cold laugh* How am I supposed to believe that? Memories of holding your hand and spending time with you filled my mind… But all this is in the past now… *sigh* I just really hope that she does love you more than I do. If forcing myself to leave is what I must do… for your sake, I’ll do it. But I hope you know that this is so hard for me… The thought of breaking up never crossed my mind… I thought you were “the one”… So, I never imagined that we would go our separate ways.
And even now, I still wish that our relationship hadn’t come to an end. I never wanted to end what we had together… And now I must wear a smile as I try to get through this? *dry laugh* How do you expect me to do this? To forgive you and also accept her… I… I just can’t… Not just yet at least… I need some time… But you don’t have to worry about me so much… I’ll be fine… I’ll manage somehow… *sigh*
I just know that I will never be able to forget that scene… Watching you walk away… farther and farther away… until I couldn’t see you anymore… And then I turned and slowly walked back home… The sky darkened, the wind picked up, and raindrops started to fall… As I walked through the drizzling rain, it was… as if the sky has taken over my heart… The tears that lie within, yet to be shed, was coming down in drops from above… I stood still for a moment and tilted my head to the sky as I closed my eyes… For a brief second, it almost felt comforting knowing that someone… something… understood how I felt.
*sigh* Here I am… still sitting in the corner of my room… pondering where things had gone wrong… Was it something I did? Something I didn’t do? Am I just not good enough for you? What is it that she’s got that I don’t already have? No matter how busy I was, I always tried to accommodate you as best as I could. You were never ever second place… But now I also have to accommodate you for this break-up? *cold laugh* I just don’t think I can do it… I’m not that smart… *sigh* I don’t know how much longer will I keep on feeling this way… I just want a sense of peace in my heart… But this happened so suddenly… How can my heart be silent at this time? I’ve often heard that time will heal the heart. I guess I’m really gonna have to experience this for myself… I hope that you’re happy now, and that she’ll take good care of you. Slowly… in time… I will learn to let you go… ’cause that’s just how much… how much I love you.